Barefoot Grump: Kol Ish

Kol Isha: The voice of a woman (considered by the Rabbis of the Talmud to be distracting to men and thus lewd).

I am a connoisseur of voices. I have been one since I was a child when I heard my mother and my father sing. Both possess voices of exceptional beauty. And both can sing on key. I cannot. For me, singing on key is the epitome of grace and the pinnacle of achievement. My father, in fact, was slated for opera but he traded that potential in for a motorcycle and a brief romance with military couriering. I have to admit he looked totally cool on the Harley.

I have been taken by voices ever since my childhood. I adore opera. I swoon at chazzanut. A soft spoken man can knock my socks off. The "rich brown voice" of Ray Davies' Lola is a consummation most devoutly to be wished.

Then there are the people at minyan with the gorgeous and/or distracting voices. Lately, the morning minyan seems to have attracted some lusty singers. In fact, responses have never been so "out there", fervently so, in my estimation. The rabbi seems more ardent, and so do the rest of the regulars. I am thrilled. Not that it was ever bad, but there seems to be new life infused into the responses, and all of it happened since I was away. I am a happy camper.

However...there are 2 issues I face in minyan. One has been the lunatic woman with the operatic voice who does not tone it down. Once a month, people are invited for mincha- maariv including seudah shlishit (third meal) and havdalah on Shabbat at the home of someone who so generously opens their doors to us all and feeds us as well. The food is always fabulous and if you need a minyan and you fear you won't have the numbers, include some nosh and I will be there. When said lunatic chanted to distraction at morning minyan and at services, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But within the intimacy of the little Shabbat group, it made me go, hmmmmm.

This woman has a voice to shatter glass and she can't seem to control the volume in small groups, or in large groups. Yet, she claims to be a professional singer. But I always know when La Diva has entered the room (fashionably late). And if you think I am being catty I am not; this woman needs help and she subtly poisons any atmosphere she overtakes. But- she has a Voice, she can Read and Chant Hebrew, which in synagogue circles is considered to be Pure Gold. Suffice it to say, I am not seduced by her voice but it surely is distracting, as she meant it to be. Especially at close quarters.

Then there is the case of the most recent member of the minyan. He has a beeyootiful voice. And he is LOUD. Today, you couldn't help but hear his devotion. I swoon and it is distracting, not necessarily in a good way, volume wise. Can we, therefore, call that beauty lewd? Just wondering. Because truly, it is difficult to concentrate when you hit me with Beauty that Compels One to Listen. As far as I know he is not a professional singer. Or ready to lead prayers (yet). But, oh, today, I wished he would tone it down!

There is an older gentleman in his 80's, of whom I have written previously. Let's call him "X". He is not loud, but he extends the response past the rest of us. It is damned pleasant to listen to him- I am carried away. There are others whose voices are less distinct but integral to the chorus. So how come X doesn't distract me, yet those 2 others do? And said guy's voice leads me not down lascivious paths as much as "oh my gosh, what a voice!" paths, away from the voice of G-d. It must be me, I know it.

But hey, let's ban men's voices as well! Especially the loud ones. They distract me. It's a dreaded case of kol ish I tell ya! I demand justice!

Grump, grump, grump.